(recycled from may 12, 09)

After a long talk with a close friend, this is what I've determined...

98% of the people you meet will never truly know who you are. They’ll never have an accurate depiction of the person you are, they may capture a glimpse of who you want to be, or who you pretend to be. But it takes a true friend who knows your past, present, hidden thoughts and late-night epiphanies to understand who you are at your core. They know your best, your worst and your most obscure plans. They understand the thoughts that most cast aside as insane. They support the plans that most deem out of reach. They laugh at what most would see as immature and they cry with you when most wouldn’t understand.

And the rest? They absorb a skewed view of what you choose to project when you’re around them. They see the clothes you choose to wear and hear the thoughts that make it through your filter. The rest don’t quite get a feel for true opinions. The rest can’t comprehend what truly makes you happy and what hurts you the most. Image is everything and the surface is hardly ever broken.

I’ll never believe anyone who says they are completely themselves at all times, because I know that’s impossible. Everyone cares about what others think at some point, and everyone changes and everyone acts out without reason.

Thank God for the 2% who understand. Whether they’re a best friend, significant other or close family member, they’re what keep us, us. Because when we run around like floaters we know we’ve got that stability to rely on. We can be whoever we want when we meet new people and we can hide our past from them, but we know that we’ve got that 2% who truly know us.

I've never been able to say this before, and I never thought I would, but here goes...
My prayer has been answered.
Now, before you just click over to a new link because you're not interested in hearing my "testimony" or you don't believe in prayer just hear me out. I'm not about to preach a sermon, I've just never experienced something so perfect fall into my lap before, and because of my faith and belief system I have a specific higher power to give my thanks to.
Also as a warning, this might get a little lengthy so sorry if I bore you.
And without further ado, here's my story...

For quite sometime I've been planning on applying to a group called CSM, the Center for Student Missions. In short, it's an urban ministry program based in about 10 major cities across the US + Toronto, CA. I would be applying to be a group leader, meaning I would be in charge of leading the different youth groups that come on a missions trip around the city. Yadda, yadda, I think you get the point. This was something I wanted to do because I've always loved serving, especially in urban settings.

However, in these past few weeks a few different things have fallen in place for me. I got the job at Border's and I think I've once again decided on a major, Sign Language interpretation. So, needless to say I began questioning my application for this group. I know that urban ministry is something I want to do with my life, but I wasn't sure that this was the right time for me to apply. I'm also really passionate about my city, Flint, and I've been trying to find more and more ways to get involved here at home, but nothing seems to be popping up.

As of the last month or so I've been attending a Bible study on Monday nights that meets downtown at the Salvation Army Citadel, and somehow last night I brought up the whole CSM thing and the struggle I'd been having on whether or not I should apply right now. Tonight, I logged on to Facebook and saw that I had a message from Tom, the leader of the Bible study, and in fear of being unable to paraphrase clear enough, I'll just copy and paste the message he sent...

Jessica,

I was intrigued by your passion to be involved in missions, specifically urban missions when you were sharing last night. I wanted to talk to you, but I was sneezing like crazy and it would not have been a very productive conversation.

Anyway, my job is pretty much an urban ministry job. My wife and I serve as the Community Ministry Coordinators for our church, The Salvation Army. We currently offer several opportunities such as prayer walks through the neighborhood, after school program for kids with tutoring, spring break VBS, Summer Day Camp, Musical lessons, Fitness activities, Bible studies, and more.

We're currently working on developing some alt. spring break /service programs for college age people for Christmas, Spring Break, and the summer. We're also working on purchasing or renting a house in the neighborhood to turn into a college co-op/ gap year house for people committed to urban ministry for at least a year. We also do all ages shows, are looking at srating church services aimed at young adults, and city people, as and more.

I know that you are excited for the program you mentioned, and also the draw of a big city, but that you cannot commit yet because of school and work. If you would like to know more about what we do, I am sure you will find it is very much in line with what you are looking to do, just on a local level in a smaller city with very similar needs. As I said to Alycia, it's a great place to get your feet wet and learn while in a smaller context, which is exactly what she is doing.

Anyway that was on my mind. Hope all is well.

Tom

Could that be any more perfect? I really don't think so, I feel like I'd be a fool to pass up this opportunity. When I read this I truly freaked out, I know it might sound exaggerated to some, but for me this is a big deal. I'm always worried about whether or not I have direction in my life and for once I feel like I really am in the right place, doing the right thing. I'm so, so excited to be able to get involved in what I love, in the city I love.
Anywaysss, I hope that you, too, wherever you may be, can find out what you love, and find the opportunities to act on it. Because it's really an uplifting thing.

Tomorrow consists of classes in the morning, Halloween costume browsing in the afternoon, and bible study in the evening.

But tonight consists of me telling you about Noelle and I's plans for an extravagant Christmas party! Let's begin...

The Theme
Tacky as can be. End of story.

The Attire
Ugly Christmas sweaters, acid washed jeans/red pants/green pants/white pants. Reindeer antlers, ornament earrings, tinsel necklaces, your best dancing shoes.

The Environment/Grub
A Christmas Story will, without a doubt, be playing in the background. It will be muted however because a themed playlist is always necessary. Eggnog is a must and those Christmas sugar cookies with Santa's face on them are as well. We can't forget a little fake snow and a Charlie Brown Christmas tree.

Depending on our dedication and budget we also hope to provide little goodie bags for our guests. And of course, this party will have a sweet name, TBA in due time, it is afterall, only September.

"all anyone could ever want is a co-pilot,
someone to leave this town and up and start a secret.
and when you sleep at night
i'll kiss you right between your eyes."

I'm not exactly one to be obsessed with elaborate romantic gestures, but I can appreciate something nice every once in awhile. I was talking with my good, good friend Noelle tonight and somehow dug up a memory I had with my last boyfriend. It was the night before either Valentine's Day or one of our anniversaries and we planned a dinner. We went to Wal-Mart around midnight and picked out a delicious Asian stir-fry out of the frozen dinner section. Then next day after school he came over and we cooked the 'meal' together. As he put the finishing touches on our gourmet treat I went downstairs (which was being remodeled at the time, so it was a construction zone complete with sawdust, 2x4s, and power tools strewn about the floor) and set up a card table with wine glasses filled with milk and juicy juice and I plugged in a stereo and tuned in a country music station. I'm also pretty sure I adorned the table with some type of tacky heart decorations. He brought our dinner down and we sat there listening to the music and raving over what we had just created together. It was one of my favorite dates we shared, to most others it would have been just plain tacky, but we loved it.

I also love heart-felt presents, who doesn't right? Another one of my past boyfriends (actually, my only other past boyfriend) and I seemed to share some of the best gifts. On Valentine's Day, I teamed up with the two boys I baby-sat and made an entire box of various sized heart shaped brownies wrapped in a gift box with red and pink tissue paper. My boyfriend also happened to bake for me, I got a box of delicious cookies that I'm pretty sure I ate on the way to the restaurant :) And on Christmas I got him the Billy Joel boxed set he had been wanting and my mom bought him a Rocky action figure. He bought me my favorite movie's two soundtracks (Elizabethtown, I highly reccommend listening to them.)

I really didn't mean for this to ramble on as long as it did, but I guess I'm realizing more and more how precious memories like these can be. And that, no matter how things end in a relationship, there are memories that will always linger so we should never, ever regret the relationships we form with others, be it romantic or platonic.

"man i miss those songs we used to sing,
talking like getting away would be the greatest thing"

I was walking to my car today after class and an older woman popped up out of nowhere and said, "I wish I was a bird, I could just fly everywhere." She continued on explaining that when she was younger she didn't even notice how far she was walking, she was just walking. Now that she's older it's such a job to even walk to her car. While I agreed with her that it's a pain walking through parking ramps, she made me realize something, something most already know but don't really comprehend like we should. I need to take advantage of my youth, not even in simply a physical way, but in my attitude overall. I need to realize that this is time for mistakes because that's how we learn, I need to make smart decisions but not hold back because I'm too afraid of an unexpected outcome. I just need to know that I have so much ahead of me and eventually the insignificant stressors and tiny panic-attacks I induce today will become a speck in the span of my lifetime.

I almost forgot!

My URL is Green-Fig-Tree, this is from an excerpt from the book I've finally gotten around to reading, The Bell Jar by Sylvia Plath.

"I saw my life branching out before me like the green fig tree in the story. From the tip of every branch, like a fat purple fig, a wonderful future beckoned and winked. One fig was a husband and a happy home and children, and another fig was a famous poet and another fig was a brilliant professor, and another fig was Ee Gee, the amazing editor, and another fig was Europe and Africa and South America, and another fig was Constantin and Socrates and Attila and a pack of other lovers with queer names and offbeat professions, and another fig was an Olympic lady crew champion, and beyond and above these figs were many more figs I couldn’t quite make out. I saw myself sitting in the crotch of this fig tree, starving to death, just because I couldn’t make up my mind which of the figs I would choose. I wanted each and every one of them, but choosing one meant losing all the rest, and, as I sat there, unable to decide, the figs began to wrinkle and go black, and, one by one, they plopped to the ground at my feet."

Inspired by a friend

I've been thinking of starting a blog for quite sometime, but I never thought I'd have anything that important to say. However, quite recently, a friend of mine started her own blog (yrgranny) and I decided there's nothing to lose if I start one of my own. I may or may not keep up on this, but I figure it's worth a shot!

Lately some changes have been taking place in my generally stagnant lifestyle. I've gotten a job at Border's in the cafe, and I'm very thankful to say that I'm finally leaving my job at Dunham's Sports behind me. If you know me at all, you'll know that I don't belong at Dunham's. I've also started attending a college-aged bible study and I'm feeling right at home after only attending it twice. I've longed for quality conversations for so darn long and I'm so happy to be able to engage in it every Monday. We're currently watching Rob Bell's Nooma videos, and I love it.

As a result of these new things I've incorporated into my lifestyle I'm going to attempt to bring in more new, and get rid of some of the old. I want to live a more simple life; spending less unnecessary money (meaning homemade Christmas gifts for all my friends reading this), do less pointless running around and actually dedicate my time to what I love. Which also means discovering what I really love, finding my passions. I want to spend more time with family. I want to dive into more books. I want to learn more. I want to volunteer more. I simply want to be a better person in general.